The Name Game (Or, What Do You Mean YOU'RE The Beatles???)

John, Paul, George, and Ringo. That's easy isn't it? It's not too difficult to pop those names off. So 25 trivia points to you. But try naming every past & present member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, or Elvis's band. Not so easy now, eh smarty? It's easy to remember the frontman or a paticular guitarist, but nobody ever remembers the guy that played organ for Foghat when they were on tour, do they?

What criteria needs to be met for someone to be a member of the band? If being a member of the band means recording with the group and going on tour, why didn't we hear about the Smashing Pumpkin's keyboardist before his unexcused absence? Peter Hornsapple from the d.b.s has been playing with R.E.M. for years, but he's not really considered a member, and you're certainly not going to see his face on anyt-shirts. Why the hell not? Granted, he's not Mr. Handsome, but Mike "Ralphie" Mills and Peter "Shaggy" Buck ain't winning any beauty contests nowadays either.

And when does a name outweigh the individual members? I know some ole die-hard acid heads that SWEAR that Pink Floyd died when Syd Barrett went coo-coo for Coco Puffs. Not to mention Roger Waters' departure. And let's take a long hard look at the Cure. This is a band that has only ONE original member. They've had a total of 58 thousand different members! But they're still considered "the Cure". We know little Bobby Smith didn't play every instrument himself, so what is it? If Paul McCartney decided that he wanted to own the entirety of Britain, and not just the upper half, could he get Slash, Kim Deal, and Dave Grohl to record the next Beatles album with him? Obviously not. So why do all these other bands get away with it?

There are some local bands that have chewed through more members than Funkadelic. I think Kill Creek is trying to beat out House of Large Sizes for the "Most Drummers used in a decade" award. And of course there's the infamous "employment" plan. Basically, you'll hire me to record this album and tour with "the band", but I'm an employee, not a member. What the hell is that? Of course, no one expects any band to maintain it's original lineup forever, but let's use some common sense. When Trip Shakespeare broke up, the name went away. And although both Dan Wilson and John Munsen are in Semisonic, I don't expect they're gonna be breaking out "Mrs. Braintree" anytime soon.

So here's what I propose: An easy way to keep everyone happy and cut back on the "I only know the singer" syndrome.

A) If a band uses a musician for more than one album or two tours, he is automatically given member status, and it's the bands responsibility to make sure the groupies know and give the new member appropriate attention. If on two albums, that member is then in all merchandise from then on out.

B) If a band fires/loses more than 3/4ths of it's original lineup over the span of two years, the band HAS TO CHANGE THEIR NAME. Now in the case of the Cure, they could be Big Audio Cure, Big Audio Cure II, Jefferson Cure, or just "The Ever-Revolving Door That Is The Robert Smith Band (The Band Formerly Known As The Cure).

Sounds pretty reasonable, doesn't it? I thought so.

Carry on.